My Thoughts Or Something

My take on love/dating…

I feel writing this is completely necessary. Yet, I don’t know where to start.

You see throughout all of High School I had a crush on this one guy. Yes I had minor crushes on others, but that one guy never left my head. It was never the right time in our lives for us to be together though.

So I dated other people, but it never lasted longer than 2 weeks before 1 or the other decided it was over. I can say I broke a heart or two  and yes I feel bad bout that. I would never want to hurt someone. The way I felt and still still feel to this day is if you don’t start to truly gain feelings for that person in the first couple weeks, then there isn’t something there. With that said I held out. I kept everything hidden away until I knew who I was meant to be with.Which is the same guy I mentioned above? That one guy in high school I couldn’t forget. During those years, sometimes we hated each other, and other times we were like good friends.

After high school I meet this guy who was 3 years younger than me, he had a girlfriend when I met him and vowed he’d never cheat on a girl, but he kissed me. He broke up with the girl and still didn’t date me. I had been exchanging emails with the guy from high school all summer because we had decided to be friends again after a year of not speaking. One day we finally got to hang out and I realized those feelings that were never reciprocated in the past were still there. I still wanted him. So I made my decision. I called the boy and told him I could no longer see him because we weren’t meant to be. He seem genuinely upset, but I realized it was all a lie when I checked my fb later that night and noticed that before I had even called him that he messaged me saying he found someone else.

So I continued to hang out with my high school crush. Who seemed shyer than I remembered and attempted to flirt with me. He officially asked me out the day after christmas 2008. By now I am sure you all know who I am speaking of. Only a few know of the younger guy though.

We fell hard and fast for each other, he and I. For the last few months I doubted that he ever loved me, but looking back I see that at least in the beginning he did. I don’t know when things actually started to change, but his brother hated me. Even when I tried to gain his trust and be the perfect girlfriend to him, his brother still didn’t approve. One major issue in our relationship was that. Another was that my dad is a bigot. He was half white and half black. So we made it to a year and then had major problems and started fighting all the time. A lot of what we argued about involved this one girl who tried to steal him from me, unsuccessfully I might add. It hurt me that he wouldn’t drop her, but earlier in the relationship made me drop all of my guy friends. He even got pissed when one day I added a guy I was with for 4 days in high school. Needless to say he was a little controlling. Not to an extreme though, but when the tables were turned he didn’t like it and I was dubbed clingy and desperate.

So we broke up for a couple weeks and I made him date her to get it out of his system. They lasted a week until he saw how upset I was when I called him one morning and had him come over to see after a rough night of crying. It showed me how much he cared that he showed up at 7 am just to make me feel better. We got back together for a month, but neither had changed so we broke up again, this time for a little longer. Again we got back together this time for a year, but we still argued and I was still desperate for his love and attention. I fully admit it, I was desperate. Nothing was ever enough. He always valued his friends more than I, and I resented them for that. They weren’t bad people and I liked some of them and still do. Even though none of them speak to me I considered them friends at the time. It can be a little awkward seeing them now, and I know why. He painted me as this horrible controlling person and that’s not what I was. I tried to be the best I could be but after a while I was just no longer happy. So he broke up with me in December of 2010 and that time my whole world shattered. I called him everyday for 7 months begging him to take me back that if only he could love me enough it would all be perfect again. He refused. So I stopped for a while. We would still talk on fb and tried to be friends, but it wasn’t right.

I started to try and find someone right for me. I would talk to guys I normally wouldn’t pick out of a crowd and say hey they have potential. I always thought I was better than them, especially since a couple I had known for years. They weren’t right for me and I realized that, though there was nothing wrong with them or myself they just weren’t my match.

One day I come across a profile of someone a friend of mine dated back when we’d go to the mall all the time. I had always found him cute, but it seemed like in the time since I had last seen him he had grown into his looks immensely. I couldn’t help but find myself attracted to him in a way I had never felt for anyone. It wasn’t a desperate love like I had felt for my ex but it was something that felt amazing. We started flirting via text and facebook messaging. We even hung out a few times and I thought everything was going to go my way for once and that finally I had found something worth trying for. Then my ex decided to start calling me up all the time, crying and begging me to take him back, months after I stopped trying to win him back. I told him I liked someone else, that I no longer saw myself with him, but he was persistent. I kept telling him no. He started showing up at my house with flowers and candy and he even cooked for me. He pursued me more then, than he ever did when we were together. I still wanted the other guy and kept turning down my ex, but I was honest with the new guy that my ex wouldn’t stop. It ruined my chances with him I guess. He started ignoring me and never tried to hang out.

So after a month of it being that way I went out with someone completely new and out of my comfort zone, but I got drunk and made a huge mistake. When I finally agreed to take my ex back, I didn’t tell him what happened, I couldn’t even face myself after it. He asked me hundreds of times what happened and every time I told him nothing. It was a lie. He knew it was, eventually I told him, and he couldn’t forgive me even though we were not together at the time. Everything changed. Neither of us were happy, but I can honestly say I tried. I tried to make it better but everytime we’d argued he’d say, “At least I didn’t lie to you for a month.” or he’d call me a derogatory term like, slut, whore, etc.

I continued to put up with that but I told him when in deep discussion that he was never to say anything like that to me or I would never see him again. It stopped. We weren’t the same but we stopped saying mean things to each. He started school in september and never had time for me. I also started a new job that month. So both of us were busy and our schedules clashed to the point where I went week without seeing him.

My sister decided to flip off the wall one morning and start hitting me out of no where after throwing a bitch fit. So I hit her back and we fought, after she left I called her dcf case worker and the cops because the way I saw it was she was an out of control 15 yr old who needed help. That back fired and I got arrested. He didn’t support through my court stuff and wasn’t there for me through out the process of clearing my record. I didn’t see him for 2 more weeks. At that point I was ready to move on and my friends invited me to move into a new apartment with them because the guy they were supposed to room with backed out. My guy didn’t support me on that either even though I had 2 jobs and was finally on my feet and where I wanted to be in life. He refused to help me move my stuff even though by court order I wasn’t allowed in my moms house to get it on my own. I waited a week or two after we moved in for him to come see the place and he didn’t so I decided I couldn’t handle it anymore and I ended it.

Remember the guy above? Who I thought I lost my chance with? Well I tried very hard to win him over again, but no matter what I did it wasn’t enough, I lost my appeal to him and he either turned me down or wouldn’t make plans he agreed on. Sometimes I would text or fb him and get no response, after a while I would shoot my pride and ask him why he was ignoring me, and every time he’d say, “no ones ignoring you.” In my eye he was. I still tried for a couple months until I realized what I lost cause I was chasing.

I met this guy off a website called okcupid. Let’s just say I rushed into things. I opened up my heart to quickly and it completely backfired. He left me claiming his ex may be pregnant and told me to wait a couple weeks until he finds out for sure. We still hung out, and one night he sticks around and meets my room mates, we’re all drinking together and one room mate goes to bed, but he stays with my other room mate and myself and he gets really drunk. To the point where I went to bed thinking he’d stop soon. I was wrong. Instead of being the nice guy I thought he was he slept with my room mate who was completely sober and could have said no, knowing that we had just broken up, but didn’t. They then hid their “friends with benefits” situation from me, thinking I wasn’t clever enough to find out. When I did I was pissed. Livid. Infuriated. I told her that if I find out she has him over I would move out. Instead she said she was leaving. Which was fine with me, but I could no longer afford my rent so I also had to move out, leaving my room mate stuck alone. I will never forgive those two for what they did, I prefer to imagine that they don’t exist.

Then this creeper comes along, at first he seems like a great guy, nice, pays for all our dates, etc. There was something about him though that didn’t feel right. Something that if I thought deeply about it, made me feel creeped out, gave me the heebie jeebies, and made me hold back from having feelings for him. We went to a party together and I felt he tried to take advantage of me. Everyone left the party to pick up food except for on person who was sitting across from us. This guy knowing there is someone on the other side of the room, kept trying to kiss me and touch me and I told him to stop and sit down, “no I am perfectly fine where I am.” were his exact words. I told him to back off and then when everyone got back I had them take me home. A week later I broke things off, though we were never official. He wouldn’t leave me alone. One night he came to my job and followed me around for 2 hours. I finally had to delete him from facebook to get my point across that I didn’t like him. So when he noticed he texted me and then sent me a pic of him in a wife beater with the words deuces.

Moving on to my latest. He’s perfect. We aren’t together at the moment and may never be together but it was amazing while it lasted and I do not regret falling for him. I’m in a lot of pain right now, but if I didn’t love him I wouldn’t feel this way. I know I did everything perfect this time. I wasn’t too clingy. I love him so much, and I tried to give him time for everyone else and not take him away from anyone. I tried to come up with fun things to do every time we hung out and so did he. We always made each other laugh and tried to keep each other happy. I felt like I had everything I wanted for once. He is going through a lot right now and he says that’s why he can’t have a relationship. Still though I feel a little insecure. Like I must have been doing something wrong and it hurts so bad. Even though it hurts I still want him. I still feel like we should be together even if that’s not what he wants right now. I don’t know if we will end up together but I hope so, and I hope he doesn’t hate me. Especially if he reads this.

Onto the main topic. I feel right now that love is never enough for anyone. I feel as if everyone is always looking for something, like a new model of an old car. Something faster, better looking and with less mileage? Does that make sense? I doubt anyone will actually read this, but this is what is going through my head, and maybe it makes sense and maybe it doesn’t but this is what I have experienced and gone through so far, and maybe some of you will sympathize with me, or share your own stories. We can share our stories of love and pain and happiness. Or they will see the reasoning behind what I am going through and why I feel so hurt right now. Or maybe you all will think I am crazy for putting all of this out here for the world to see.

Date was amazing!

And I really recommend seeing Project X! Great movie! Maybe I’ll get to see him today… One can only hope.